Star Wars

A simple review…

Okay, let’s be honest about Star Wars. In its time, it was great. Does it stand up to the test of time? No, not even close. Here’s just a few reasons why:

Star Wars I – The Phantom Menace

  • They really fucked up an opportunity to have a cool villain in Darth Maul (btw, i guess they don’t really come in two’s).
  • Qui-Gon was a douche. He didn’t care what anyone thought, or if he killed an 9 y/o boy. He was just trying to make a name for himself.
  • Jar Jar Binks. Why? Because Lucas needs something cutesy in his film!
  • Pod Racing. Why? It’ll be great to make a video game!
  • This movie was mostly boring. At least the 9 y/o got to be the big hero.
  • Also, why the hell did I see E.T.s in the Senate? Really? Really???

Saving Grace – Bringing Ian McDiarmid back as the Emperor was excellent.

Star Wars II – The Clone Wars

  • The dialogue was atrocious. People can rag on Hayden Christensen if they want, but he did the best he could with complete shit dialogue. It was mostly random too. Holy crap. We went from hokey to shitberg city.
  • Padme didn’t notice a problem with Anikan’s morals when he killed everyone in the Tusken Raider village? Really? Is she that stupid?
  • Oooooh, a love story. And sadly, it’s probably the best part of the movie. That should tell you something.
  • Why did Lucas make the “cloners” look like the aliens that alien abductees describe?
  • Finally get to see Yoda as a badass… except he doesn’t really win the fight. WTF?

Saving Grace – Jango Fett was cool while he lasted.

Star Wars III – The Revenge of the Sith

  • I’ve seen nothing but landing pads and landing pads… but oh wait, when a giant ship is crash landing we have a landing strip. Okay.
  • Anakin still acts like a bitch. Cry about it, baby!
  • General Grievous? Nice name. I like how he seems to have TB with his breating and coughing; and he has live organs, but hopping out into space doesn’t bother him in the least.
  • Hey, let’s have Obi-Wan ride around on a big lizard for half the movie!
  • Some of those Jedi were killed a bit easily. I guess the force was weak with them or something.
  • Are you kidding? Yoda gets his ass beat? WTF?
  • Some friend Obi-Wan is. He could have at least put his “friend” out of misery instead of leaving him by the lava on fire. Dick.

Saving Grace – It did have some nice stuff happening both storywise and the fight scenes.

Star Wars IV – A New Hope

  • It’s hokey as shit. Was this written by a 3rd grader?
  • Empty escape pod is ejected and the Empire doesn’t blast the shit out of it? Why? To save rounds?
  • One droid that can barely walk and another that rolls… no trouble traveling around desert?
  • If Leia was Vader’s daughter and therefore strong with the force… how come he didn’t notice when he was with her?
  • Obi-Wan’s body disappears. This makes no sense because it has no reference even with all six movies!
  • The Rebels just give Luke a ship to pilot. What? Really? They just have them to spare? He was a poor farmer one day, star fighter pilot the next! That’s how it usually works.
  • Fancy computers are not accurate, but luckily the force can fire missle perfectly!

Saving Grace – Aunt and Uncle’s burned corpse actually shown

Star Wars V – The Empire Strikes Back

  • Still hokey.
  • You’d hope that “force” would be a little more “spidey-sense” like and he would have seen the (not)yeti before he was attacked.
  • All of the love story arc for Han and Leia is written like a bad novel.
  • AT-AT Walker? Where do they carry those on ships? Or better yet, why not use some fast moving, small ships? No, we’ll use slow-as-hell giant targets. Perfect sense.
  • Why the hell would you freeze anyone? That’s just a plot device gone stupid.
  • Lando is portrayed as though he’s not the true hero of this movie. WTF?

Saving Grace – Somehow still considered the best of the bunch

Star Wars VI – Return of the Jedi

  • Whoa hokey.
  • Best example of how Lucas likes to put cutesy shit in his movies. I wasn’t sure if I was watching Star Wars or the Muppet Show.
  • So you have the coolest character in any of the Star War movies so how do you kill him? Han accidentally taps his backpack, he screams like a little bitch as he flies into the other barge and then falls in a giant sand vagina. Good job!
  • I could go on about this one, but let’s just be real… As soon as the teddy bears started catching people and ultimately defeating a well-armed force that outnumbered them… yeah… There’s a reason why people look down on this movie.

Saving Grace – I know you expect the Princess Leia in her slave outfit; or maybe Admiral Ackbar’s famous “it’s a trap!” line, but no… It’s the confirmation that not only was there previously an incestious kiss between Luke and Leia, but that they kinda knew at the time. Also, it’s been pointed out that the Ewoks were eating the storm troopers at the big feast/festival. Pretty sure the good guys were chowing down with them…

Overall Review

I do love Star Wars, but it just doesn’t hold up anywhere near as good as other movies. A lot of little things piss me off about these. They definitely could have done a better job writing the new movies to match the old movies. Oh well. Also, My ranking for the movies is something that will definitely not be agreed upon:

  1. Star Wars III – The Revenge of the Sith
  2. Star Wars V – The Empire Strikes Back
  3. Star Wars VI – Return of the Jedi
  4. Star Wars II – The Clone Wars
  5. Star Wars IV – A New Hope
  6. Star Wars I – The Phantom Menace