Applebee’s – I ordered the Bourbon Black and Bleu without the mushrooms and mayo. They served it without the taste. I’ve had better burgers out of a refrigerated machine. I couldn’t even taste the bacon on this thing, and it had what looked like two nice strips. The caramelized onions were white and looked very much uncaramelized. I could barely taste the bleu cheese and that stuff is usually strong. It appeared to have the jack cheese on it, but it was too bland to taste also. Easily one of the worst burgers I’ve had in my life. Thank God the soup had some taste. Of course, this is a pity. I really want to go there for a mudslide.

Review Date – 2012ish

On a rating scale of Pontiac Aztek to Dodge Viper, I rate this a Yugo.

Burger King – In my youth, this was my go to. I hadn’t discovered Wendy’s and McDonald’s just wasn’t for me. A Bacon Double Cheeseburger was my regular order. How regular? While stationed in Okinawa, I had this burger an average of 5 days a week. Now, though, I can’t be bothered. The only reason to go there is for the onion rings. Still delicious.

Review Date – 2020ish

On a rating scale of Arby’s Oven Mitt to the Where’s The Beef Lady, I rate this a sketchy/creeper King.

Culver’s – The Butterburger. As good as the Five Guys burger, but cheaper. This place has a lot more side items that pair well with your burger and they have frozen custard. I don’t know why all this frozen custard stuff has made it to my town of Greer, SC, but I guess I can’t complain. The burger itself is very good. I get a double with bacon, as any sane person would. Delicious. Culver’s, the only thing I know that has come out of Wisconsin that isn’t beer. (Also, great root beer.)

Review Date – July 2022

On a scale of any type of goat cheese to sharp cheddar cheese, I rate these a solid fried cheese curd.

Five Guys – Need to start out by saying that I do really like Five Guys. I get a bacon cheeseburger and it is always delicious. That said, it is overpriced. Also, I like their fries. I don’t need all those fries dumped on top of my burger in the damn bag, though.

Review Date – June 2022

On a rating scale of a paper bag to Sampsonite luggage, I rate this a Swissgear.

McDonald’s – Once upon a time, I really didn’t care for the ol’ Mickey Dees. That has changed a lot nowadays. The ability to order on the App and more often than not get a correct burger (without those damn pickles and horrible onions) has made McDonald’s a go to for me. I keep it simple, normally get a McDouble or two with some fries and a drink (no ice).

Is it the best? No, of course not. However, for the price it’s very competitive. If you start ordering anything that’s not on the value menu, then you’re probably spending more money than it’s worth.

Review Date – August 2022

On a rating scale of The Fry Guys to the Mayor McCheese, I rate this the Hamburglar.

Waffle House – What’s the best thing about Waffle House? Consistency. Pure and simple, there is no better burger that you can get at such a variety of locations and they are all delicious. Besides consistency, what makes them so awesome? Well, their burgers are helped by the awesome hash browns. And sure, it’s nice that they usually have better service than at any upscale restaurant you’ll ever go to. Also, the burger meat is some of the best out there… But let’s be realistic here.

It’s the bacon. Holy crap do they have good bacon. And they make the bacon properly. It’s flattened and fully cooked (crispy). Just tremendous on the bacon side of things. I prefer to get a double with bacon and cheese. Never had a bad burger at Waffle House. Bonus points – served 24 hours a day!

Review Date – 2019ish (not that it ever changes)

On a rating scale of Schlitz Beer to Bud Light, I rate this a Bud Lite Ultra.

Wendy’s – If you don’t love Wendy’s, please leave now. You shouldn’t be here.

In my youth, I was a triple with cheese guy. Nowadays, I usually go for a Bacon Double Stack and/or double stack in one of those great meal deals they have (spicy nuggies!). You can’t go wrong with anything of them. They’re all superb. Baconator? Hell yes. Love that name too. Bourbon Bacon Cheese Burger (single, double, or triple) is amazing. Again, if you don’t love Wendy’s, you are an unhappy, bitter person.

Review Date – July 2022

On a rating scale of High School Cafeteria Lady to Dave Thomas, I rate this a whole Dave Thomas. Rest in peace.